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It has been a year and a half since I have contemplated suicide. In fact I probably would
have done it if not for one person talking to me before I was going to get my jacket and
leave that bar. It was New Year's Eve 2001. I was out with a group of people who included
long-time friends and acquaintances. I had been drinking for about 5 hours and the
happiness brought upon by the booze had quickly turned into sadness. I was thinking of how
crappy my life was and how lonely I felt since I had broken up with my girlfriend 8 months
prior. I was just standing at the bar looking into the mirror feeling sorry for myself
wondering when everything would turn around for me, "When would I be happy" - I
had decided that I never would!
I had it all planned out, I would walk to the bridge above the highway and throw myself
over. Unfortunately I was all to aware of the pain and hurt I would cause my family, my
older sister had killed herself 11 years before, but I had to end this agonising pain I
was feeling. I finally realised how she felt those two years as she tried to kill herself
numerous times before succeeding.
It was a few minutes before the New Year and I had been standing at the bar by myself for
about 20 minutes and I was just about to get up and walk out on my friends - FOREVER. As I
was about to stand up, I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. It was Dan, a friend of a
friend, and he asked me "What are you doing here by yourself". He could see that
there was something wrong, it was written all over my face, and he just said to me,
"What ever it is, it can't be that bad, anyway, everyone is looking for you, comeback
to the table". Dan then put his arm around my shoulder and we were walking back to
the group. He said a couple remarks about the girls on the dance floor and I smiled and it
hit me, maybe he was right. I went back to the table to where my friends were and somewhat
enjoyed the rest of the night. Little did he know he changed my life forever!
Thanks to Dan for stopping from me leaving that night I decided to get help. There had to
be a better solution to my problems then suicide. I'm sure a lot of people would have
understood why I committed suicide. I had my fair share of heartache in my life, please
see chronological list below, the list is missing the abundance of complicated family
problems brought on by my sister's suicide.
 | Younger sister born with Downs Syndrome (1980) |
| Older sister killed herself when I was 16 (Nov 1990) |
| Best friend, since I was two, died after a two year battle with cancer when I was 18
(March 1992)(March 1992) |
| My father went from walking with a cane to being confined to a wheelchair two years
after my sister. People with Multiple Sclerosis tend to go downhill when put through a
tragic event. Such as the suicide of a child. |
| The family business was lost due to a recession along with a number of bad business. Had
to get food from the local food bank for Christmas 2002. |
| Younger brother went through major surgery to take out half of his large intestine
because it rotting due to Crohn's Disease. (October 1992) |
| Started to date a girl in November 1997 for three and a half years. She told me in
January 1998 that she had Cystic Fibrosis. The first year of dating everything was fine
she was very basically healthy. The last two years she was hooked up to the oxygen tank. I
basically watched her fade away the next two years, waiting for a double lung transplant.
She received a new set of lungs October 2000, the same day my older brother was married,
it was the happiest day of my life. Six months later I broke up with her. The reason, she
had a new lease on life, however, that new lease didn't include me, all of her plans
didn't include me. I thought there was no use going out with someone who doesn't want to
be with me. Especially when you wanted to marry them and after waiting so long for them to
get better. |
One week after that scary night I went into my college, I had went back to get my masters,
and sat down with a counsellor to talk about EVERYTHING. It was the first time I had ever
talked to someone about the events of my life, in depth. Those next 15 weeks I felt like I
had the world lifted off my shoulders, and came out understanding what I was feeling and
most important - myself. The main purpose of attending the sessions was to achieve a
"Better Quality of Life" for myself, and I did.
I now understand that I suffer from depression, and that it is very common for people to
deal with. Even one of the most prolific figures of the 20th century, Winston Churchill,
suffered from depression and dealt with it daily. I have learned to deal with my
depression over the last year by understanding what triggers it and I try to avoid those
situations. I have also found a new love for exercising, which has increased my
self-esteem and helped me get in the best shape of my life by losing 20 pounds.
I recommend to anyone who has had to deal with loss and suffering in their life to talk to
someone about it. It is by far the best thing I have done for myself. I'm not saying that
I'm cured, but doesn't everyone deserve a "Better Quality of Life", doesn't
everyone deserve to be happy the majority of the time.
I was able to achieve more happiness because someone took the time to make sure I was all
right, and I thank him for that.
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